Ding!

Ten nineteen at night, an hour behind on this project, and Shayla was sure that this was going to mean yet another email from Robert asking for her analysis. It didn’t matter how many times she told him that work like this needed more time, he always set her deadlines at least two days before her work could feasibly be done. Grumbling and scrubbing her face, she switched to her email tab. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Next to her on the couch, comfortably snuggled in a plush throw blanket, Shayla’s partner Jess poked her head out from inside her cocoon.

“Another email from Robert? Do you need me to go kill him?”

Jess cried at the idea of squishing spiders. She wasn’t going to kill Robert, but it was sweet to offer and hilarious to picture.

“It’s not, it’s just another dumb email from a website I used in college. I haven’t unsubscribed from their newsletter, and recently they’ve ramped up the frequency of these emails,” Shayla explained.

“What website?”

“EnglishNow.com. When I was in college, I used it for free grammar resources.”

“Sounds boring.”

Shayla rolled her eyes and clicked on the email. Since she was behind on her work already, she reasoned that she could take the two seconds she needed to go from subscriber to unsubscriber.

It’s not too late to sign up! EnglishNow.com is offering a 3-unit course to improve your English! 

Remember, EnglishNow.com, English for America!

Shayla lips twisted as she read the last line. Last time she used EnglishNow.com it had been for a refresher on citing a tweet. It hadn’t been that long, but as she clicked around on the site her stomach began to knot.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” she growled.

The mass of blankets on the couch formerly known as Jess shifted.

“What’s wrong?” Jess asked.

Shalya turned her laptop towards her girlfriend. To get a clear view of the screen, Jess had to wriggle her way across the cushions, and then settled her cheek on Shayla’s shoulder.

“EnglishNow.com, English for Americans, by Americans, and meant to teach Americans,” Jess recited, and then made a face. “That felt gross to say.”

“It felt gross to read too,” Shayla snarled, as if the website would hear her and spontaneously understand the error of its ways.

Turning the laptop back towards herself, Shayla began to scroll through the website. Jess edged herself over to the other side of the sofa, knowing the dangerous mood her girlfriend was now stuck in.

“You don’t have to—”

“Ugh!” Shayla cut Jess off, “This website is just—they say that Americans all speak English, and that’s what makes America great! Who wrote this horseshit?”

“Shayla, don’t—”

“This is so ridiculous! I used this website in the past to help me with my schoolwork. What is with all of this pro-America nonsense?”

Then a chilling thought came to mind. The number one problem Shayla had when she was in college was that her citations were never right. Somehow, she always formatted them wrong, even though she was sure she was using the right references. Opening a new tab, she searched for another citation engine. The first link in Google was WOLF at State College, with WOLF being an acronym for “Writing Online Literacy & Formatting.” She clicked on the sidebar for their Citation Lab. After scrutinizing the page for a moment, she felt her stomach sink into her toes.

“No way…” Shayla shook her head.

“What?” Jess spared a glance in her girlfriend’s direction.

“It was wrong. It was always wrong. EnglishNow.com had never been right. This was why my essays always had lower marks than they deserved! I trusted their website for citations, and they lied. They weren’t even close to the proper citation format. How did I believe this for so long?”

Slowly, Shayla’s stomach stopped sinking, and instead turned to righteous rage. She resumed glaring at the screen. She tabbed back to EnglishNow.com and began to scroll through it as angrily as possible.

“Babe, maybe you shouldn’t be doing that,” Jess suggested gently, “I mean, it’s not like you hate-scrolling through the website is going to make it change. Just unsubscribe from the site, and then it can’t hurt you anymore.”

“Its existence offends me.”

“Then when it’s gone from your life it can’t offend anyone. Just click the button to unsubscribe. Besides, didn’t you say you were behind on this project?”

Jess was right, and they both knew it. With a rueful sigh, Shayla made her way to the bottom of the page. There, a small blue hyperlink offered her a chance for salvation: To Unsubscribe, Click Here. Part of Shayla wanted to comment upon the fact that the statement didn’t need to start with a preposition, but it wasn’t like EnglishNow.com was going to listen. Apparently, it had never been right, and a pit of betrayal had settled in Shayla’s stomach to replace her rage from seconds ago. 

She clicked the link. A small textbox appeared on screen. Shayla curled her hands against her laptop, her nails scratching the cool aluminum. The little sound made its way into the lull between the battle of the Real Housewives on TV, and Jess’s form turned towards her girlfriend.

“I’m going to scream,” Shayla warned.

“Why?”

Again, Shayla turned her laptop in her girlfriend’s direction. Jess grumbled as she had to wriggle away from the TV and squint at the screen again.

“Leaving so soon? Did you misclick? Remember, our resources can help you learn fluent English in six months or less!” Jess read aloud.

“That’s impossible, and they know it’s impossible!” Shayla shouted.

“I mean, if someone can’t read English it’s not really going to matter. So, it’s not like this would even dissuade them,” Jess shrugged.

“That makes it worse. Look, they reversed the yes and no buttons.”

“So? You know which one to click.”

“You’re missing the point!”

“No, I’m missing my show. Just click the button and be done with it.”

Shayla huffed as she pulled the laptop back into its proper position on her lap. As angrily and loudly as possible, she slammed her finger on the mousepad. Another textbox appeared.

Are you sure? Just so you know, a student coming to America can learn English on grade level in one year, so you can do it too!

Shayla ground her teeth and clicked the button again.

Did you know? The #1 language spoken in the world is English!

That one wasn’t true. Shayla had read otherwise in a recent business article. The most commonly spoke language was Mandarin Chinese. In fact, she was pretty sure that English wasn’t even the second most commonly spoken language. She ground her teeth and slammed the button again.

Last chance! EnglishNow.com can revolutionize your life. America is meant to be in English! By staying with us, you can help to improve the lives of countless others who need to learn English!

She sucked the air in between her teeth.

“The sooner you finish your stuff for Robert, the sooner you can pick the next show,” Jess said with a little smile.

Tempting offer. Jess did not so easily relinquish use of the remote, not even on Shayla’s birthday.

With a last huff of anger, Shayla clicked the no button.

We’re sorry to see you go. You have been unsubscribed from all EnglishNow.com emails.

Free of the treacherous website, Shayla breathed a sigh of relief. Soon enough, she would be free of her work too. All she really needed to do was edit the last section of her analysis. 

Just as she was about to open her work document a line at the bottom of EnglishNow.com caught her eye.

¿Hablas español? ¡Haga clic aquí!